Good to go for the new year

We have everything in place to start our next fresh cycle of IVF after the holidays. I called the fertility specialist last week and they said all I have to do is call on day 1 of my next cycle and we'll start the whole process again. We hope this one is the cycle for us.

This year for Christmas David and I decided not to get each other gifts. Instead, we bought ourselves a treadmill. I'm very excited to have a piece of exercise equipment that I can use everyday without having to drive to the gym. We used to belong to a gym, but after working on your feet for 10 hours, the last thing you want to do is drive 20 minutes to a crowded gym and have to circle for a working treadmill or elliptical. My motivation for using the treadmill is Grey's Anatomy. I am only allowing myself to watch Grey's while on the treadmill. I'm hoping that this will become a daily habit that will keep me healthy and reduce stress not only during the IVF cycle but also during the resulting pregnancy.

New Year, New Baby?

After a lot of thought and discussion, David and I have decided to go for another fresh cycle. We 've been saving for the process and hope to be able to start again after the holidays. There's no way we would survive the hectic in vitro process if it were combined with the holiday craziness. By doing this fresh cycle again, we also hope to have more embryos to freeze so they can join our two little Popsicles already in the freezer. In the mean time, I'm trying not to succumb to the wave of panic that threatens to wash over me from time to time saying that we're running out of time and we need to get started soon. I'm only 28, I'll be 29 in December. My mom didn't have her first child until 32. So many women are choosing to wait until their mid-30s to even think about starting a family. I know it's not a race (not against time or other people), and when it's the right time it will happen...hopefully.

Our best decision

So it's looking like taking the break has been the best decision we could have made. It feels like a weight has been taken off our shoulders and the blinders have been taken off. We're no longer overly focused on the desired end result of pregnancy. I feel like we have re-entered our lives and are enjoying ourselves again. I am finding that it doesn't hurt as much when I pass a pregnant woman and I am not as focused on the belly that she has that I don't. It still hurts a little, just not as much. This break has been our best decision.

Backing Off

After a lot of discussion, David and I have decided to take a short break from fertility treatments and anything pregnancy related. We have been going non-stop on this roller coaster since January and desperately need a break. We're discussing our options between doing the Frozen Embryo Transfer and starting at the beginning with another fresh cycle. We still haven't made our final decision, but we've started saving money for another fresh cycle in case we do decide to go that route. In the meantime, we've decided to enjoy each other's company. We haven't focused on ourselves and our time together as a couple in a really long time and I think it will do us a world of good to get back to that. I have stopped taking all medications, even prenatal vitamins, and am giving my body a much needed holiday. We will see what the future holds. In the meantime, we're going to get back to being a couple again.

Feeling slightly better today

The RE called me himself this morning to say that he was sorry the cycle didn't work this time around and that he knows how disappointing it is. He also said that he is very optimistic about our success in a future cycle; our embryos looked great and we have two more frozen. He said we can either choose to do a Frozen Embryo Transfer, where they'll thaw out our two frosties and transfer those, or we can do another fresh cycle and potentially have more frozen embryos to work with if the second fresh cycle isn't successful. David and I have a lot to think about.

Why us?

Anger. Bitterness. Hopelessness. Helplessness. Despair.

This last week has been miserable. I have never felt less in control in my entire life. I prayed so hard for a miracle, only to be denied yet again. Wednesday before the test I started spotting. I didn't worry at first because the doctor told me that is was normal and to expect it. I pleaded with God to let it be normal. Thursday the flow got heavier; not my normal day 1, but heavier than I was comfortable with. I called the doctor's office. They called back and said there's really nothing to do but wait and come in Friday as scheduled. The absolute worst part of the whole thing was that I was not allowed to use a tampon. I have not used a pad since my Freshman year in high school. I felt disgusting and had to keep running to the bathroom at work because I was so afraid to have an accident. By 10 o'clock that night, I knew what the answer to that test would be, but I continued to pray. The next morning, I woke up to find myself back to spotting. I started to hope. We went in for the test. The nurse called me at 2:30 to tell me it was negative. I told her I had expected that response. She said she was sorry and I said me too. She told me the doctor would call us himself within the next few days to discuss our next plan of action.

After I spent the rest of the afternoon on the precipice of a breakdown and having to go at it with two particularly hellish customers, I finally got to go home. I forced myself to drive all the way home, park in the garage and put the door down before I allowed myself that breakdown. I just sat in my car and sobbed. David has been absolutely wonderful throughout this entire process. He stayed positive for both of us when I couldn't. He came home early yesterday and had his own breakdown before I got home so that he could be my rock. I really don't know what I would do without him. I know we'll get through this, but right now it feels like we're stuck in a black hole with no way out.

I know that I can't think of it as a miscarriage, but I do. This has been the closest we have ever been. We KNEW that fertilization had occurred, and those embryos were dividing. In my heart, I believe they were alive. It's very hard to "keep the faith." I know our faith is being tested right now, and it's so hard not to just chuck it all in and say "forget it". It just seems miserably unfair that we did everything "right". We got married, I finished school, we moved back home to be near our families, we got good stable jobs so we could provide for our family, and we have yet to be rewarded with one. Meanwhile, babies are being born out there to teenagers and rapists and negligent people who have no business being parents.

There are two passages in the Bible that keeps going through my head. Forgive me, I am not a person who engages in Bible study so I don't know chapter or verse, or even the whole passage so I will paraphrase. The first is the passage where Jesus says to Ask and you shall receive; Seek and you shall find; Knock and the door shall be opened. The second is something about whatever you ask for, if you ask for it in God's name, it will be granted. Well I have been on my knees, begging and pleading with God to give us a child of our own; I have pounded on that door until my hands are bruised, and yet it remains locked. What do we do now? Where do we go from here?

I guess only time will tell. In the meantime, thank you to our friends and family for your condolences and prayers. They are at times difficult to read and hear, but please know that they are greatly appreciated. You are the greatest and we are truly lucky to have all of you.

The wait might do me in...

Our embryo transfer was Friday the 14th. That morning, David and I reported to the fertility clinic where we changed into gown (me) and scrubs (him). He was in the room with me for the whole procedure, which was great. The doctor came in and said our 4 little embryos looked perfect. They divided beautifully and everything. He said that a lot of couples may have many embryos, but don't have many that look like ours; he says they'll be fragmented or other non-normal division. Hopefully quality wins out over quantity. He told us that he usually doesn't recommend freezing when there are only two embryos left; he said the odds of achieving a successful pregnancy after transfer are only around 20%. Well, we figure 20% is the chance that a normal couple has of conceiving in any given month, so we'll take those odds. No one is being left behind.

We spent the first of our two weeks on vacation in Florida. We really needed it and it was wonderful. We went to the beach almost everyday and relaxed. David was very protective; it's like he's already in expectant father mode. He packed the whole car and didn't let me lift anything heavier than a pillow. He made sure we didn't stay out in the sun too long; and I took a nap every day we were on the island.

As far as the waiting goes, it's hellish. I go through the day pretty well and I try to keep my mind off the wondering and the wait. It's REALLY hard not to dwell on every little twinge (or lack thereof) and try to interpret what it could mean. I find the most difficult time of the day is when I lay down at night to sleep. My mind starts to race and I have a mini panic attack that the procedure did not work at all. I am really trying to stop this...it doesn't do anyone any good. Friday is the day of reckoning, so to speak. We go for a blood test that morning to find out if I'm pregnant. I just wish I didn't have to go to work that day. It's going to be really difficult not only to wait for that phone call from the office, but also to handle the results regardless of what they are. I really want the first person that knows to be David, but I don't want to tell him over the phone. It's going to have to be that way though.

Think baby thoughts really hard!!