Feeling slightly better today

The RE called me himself this morning to say that he was sorry the cycle didn't work this time around and that he knows how disappointing it is. He also said that he is very optimistic about our success in a future cycle; our embryos looked great and we have two more frozen. He said we can either choose to do a Frozen Embryo Transfer, where they'll thaw out our two frosties and transfer those, or we can do another fresh cycle and potentially have more frozen embryos to work with if the second fresh cycle isn't successful. David and I have a lot to think about.

Why us?

Anger. Bitterness. Hopelessness. Helplessness. Despair.

This last week has been miserable. I have never felt less in control in my entire life. I prayed so hard for a miracle, only to be denied yet again. Wednesday before the test I started spotting. I didn't worry at first because the doctor told me that is was normal and to expect it. I pleaded with God to let it be normal. Thursday the flow got heavier; not my normal day 1, but heavier than I was comfortable with. I called the doctor's office. They called back and said there's really nothing to do but wait and come in Friday as scheduled. The absolute worst part of the whole thing was that I was not allowed to use a tampon. I have not used a pad since my Freshman year in high school. I felt disgusting and had to keep running to the bathroom at work because I was so afraid to have an accident. By 10 o'clock that night, I knew what the answer to that test would be, but I continued to pray. The next morning, I woke up to find myself back to spotting. I started to hope. We went in for the test. The nurse called me at 2:30 to tell me it was negative. I told her I had expected that response. She said she was sorry and I said me too. She told me the doctor would call us himself within the next few days to discuss our next plan of action.

After I spent the rest of the afternoon on the precipice of a breakdown and having to go at it with two particularly hellish customers, I finally got to go home. I forced myself to drive all the way home, park in the garage and put the door down before I allowed myself that breakdown. I just sat in my car and sobbed. David has been absolutely wonderful throughout this entire process. He stayed positive for both of us when I couldn't. He came home early yesterday and had his own breakdown before I got home so that he could be my rock. I really don't know what I would do without him. I know we'll get through this, but right now it feels like we're stuck in a black hole with no way out.

I know that I can't think of it as a miscarriage, but I do. This has been the closest we have ever been. We KNEW that fertilization had occurred, and those embryos were dividing. In my heart, I believe they were alive. It's very hard to "keep the faith." I know our faith is being tested right now, and it's so hard not to just chuck it all in and say "forget it". It just seems miserably unfair that we did everything "right". We got married, I finished school, we moved back home to be near our families, we got good stable jobs so we could provide for our family, and we have yet to be rewarded with one. Meanwhile, babies are being born out there to teenagers and rapists and negligent people who have no business being parents.

There are two passages in the Bible that keeps going through my head. Forgive me, I am not a person who engages in Bible study so I don't know chapter or verse, or even the whole passage so I will paraphrase. The first is the passage where Jesus says to Ask and you shall receive; Seek and you shall find; Knock and the door shall be opened. The second is something about whatever you ask for, if you ask for it in God's name, it will be granted. Well I have been on my knees, begging and pleading with God to give us a child of our own; I have pounded on that door until my hands are bruised, and yet it remains locked. What do we do now? Where do we go from here?

I guess only time will tell. In the meantime, thank you to our friends and family for your condolences and prayers. They are at times difficult to read and hear, but please know that they are greatly appreciated. You are the greatest and we are truly lucky to have all of you.

The wait might do me in...

Our embryo transfer was Friday the 14th. That morning, David and I reported to the fertility clinic where we changed into gown (me) and scrubs (him). He was in the room with me for the whole procedure, which was great. The doctor came in and said our 4 little embryos looked perfect. They divided beautifully and everything. He said that a lot of couples may have many embryos, but don't have many that look like ours; he says they'll be fragmented or other non-normal division. Hopefully quality wins out over quantity. He told us that he usually doesn't recommend freezing when there are only two embryos left; he said the odds of achieving a successful pregnancy after transfer are only around 20%. Well, we figure 20% is the chance that a normal couple has of conceiving in any given month, so we'll take those odds. No one is being left behind.

We spent the first of our two weeks on vacation in Florida. We really needed it and it was wonderful. We went to the beach almost everyday and relaxed. David was very protective; it's like he's already in expectant father mode. He packed the whole car and didn't let me lift anything heavier than a pillow. He made sure we didn't stay out in the sun too long; and I took a nap every day we were on the island.

As far as the waiting goes, it's hellish. I go through the day pretty well and I try to keep my mind off the wondering and the wait. It's REALLY hard not to dwell on every little twinge (or lack thereof) and try to interpret what it could mean. I find the most difficult time of the day is when I lay down at night to sleep. My mind starts to race and I have a mini panic attack that the procedure did not work at all. I am really trying to stop this...it doesn't do anyone any good. Friday is the day of reckoning, so to speak. We go for a blood test that morning to find out if I'm pregnant. I just wish I didn't have to go to work that day. It's going to be really difficult not only to wait for that phone call from the office, but also to handle the results regardless of what they are. I really want the first person that knows to be David, but I don't want to tell him over the phone. It's going to have to be that way though.

Think baby thoughts really hard!!

Part one done

Yesterday was our retrieval procedure. I wasn't nervous about the procedure itself; just about the results and outcomes. We went in at 6:45 am and they put me in a hospital gown and started my IV. They took me back around 7:30 and the whole procedure was finished before 8. I spent an hour in recovery and then they let me go home. While we were in recovery, the doctor came in to let us know that 6 of the follicles were mature enough to try to fertilize. The others were too small and immature. I spent the rest of the day alternately sleeping off the anesthesia, praying for good news, and worrying that we would get very few embryos. They had told us in the very beginning that typically only 50% of the follicles are successfully fertilized, which would mean that we would have 3 embryos. I tried to put the pessimistic thoughts out of my mind and hope for the best.

One of the nurses called me this morning and told me that we have 4 embryos! They were able to ICSI 5 of the follicles, and 4 of them made it. That sounds like good news to me!! So we go back sometime Friday to have two of them re-implanted and the other two will be frozen (hopefully for siblings for the first set). Continuing to think baby thoughts!!

Getting the party started

Well this looks to be it! I went for an ultrasound and blood test on Friday and the doctor confirmed that retrieval will be scheduled for Tuesday the 11th. Re-implantation will be Friday, and they will put back the two best looking embryos of the bunch. As confirmed by the ultrasound, we have 15 follicles to work with. My main focus this week is to keep myself (and David) relaxed and stress free so that we have success with these procedures. It helps that next week is our vacation and we will not have anything that we need to do BUT relax. The pregnancy test is scheduled for Friday the 28th of August.

I am really trying not to get my hopes up or get ahead of ourselves, but I can't help but have a good feeling about this. I looked ahead on the calendar and if everything goes our way, our baby(ies) would be due on May 21, which also happens to be our 5-year wedding anniversary. What a wonderful anniversary present.

Think baby thoughts!

Hopefully just one more week...

I went to the fertility specialist on Tuesday for an ultrasound and blood draw. The doctor said everything looked great and to come back Friday for another check. He said that they'll know for sure on Friday, but right now it looks as though our Extraction Day will be next Tuesday, the 11th. As far as I know, this would make Reimplantation Day Friday the 14th. We hope this plan doesn't get altered any further so that we don't have to give up any part of our much needed vacation.