Why us?

Anger. Bitterness. Hopelessness. Helplessness. Despair.

This last week has been miserable. I have never felt less in control in my entire life. I prayed so hard for a miracle, only to be denied yet again. Wednesday before the test I started spotting. I didn't worry at first because the doctor told me that is was normal and to expect it. I pleaded with God to let it be normal. Thursday the flow got heavier; not my normal day 1, but heavier than I was comfortable with. I called the doctor's office. They called back and said there's really nothing to do but wait and come in Friday as scheduled. The absolute worst part of the whole thing was that I was not allowed to use a tampon. I have not used a pad since my Freshman year in high school. I felt disgusting and had to keep running to the bathroom at work because I was so afraid to have an accident. By 10 o'clock that night, I knew what the answer to that test would be, but I continued to pray. The next morning, I woke up to find myself back to spotting. I started to hope. We went in for the test. The nurse called me at 2:30 to tell me it was negative. I told her I had expected that response. She said she was sorry and I said me too. She told me the doctor would call us himself within the next few days to discuss our next plan of action.

After I spent the rest of the afternoon on the precipice of a breakdown and having to go at it with two particularly hellish customers, I finally got to go home. I forced myself to drive all the way home, park in the garage and put the door down before I allowed myself that breakdown. I just sat in my car and sobbed. David has been absolutely wonderful throughout this entire process. He stayed positive for both of us when I couldn't. He came home early yesterday and had his own breakdown before I got home so that he could be my rock. I really don't know what I would do without him. I know we'll get through this, but right now it feels like we're stuck in a black hole with no way out.

I know that I can't think of it as a miscarriage, but I do. This has been the closest we have ever been. We KNEW that fertilization had occurred, and those embryos were dividing. In my heart, I believe they were alive. It's very hard to "keep the faith." I know our faith is being tested right now, and it's so hard not to just chuck it all in and say "forget it". It just seems miserably unfair that we did everything "right". We got married, I finished school, we moved back home to be near our families, we got good stable jobs so we could provide for our family, and we have yet to be rewarded with one. Meanwhile, babies are being born out there to teenagers and rapists and negligent people who have no business being parents.

There are two passages in the Bible that keeps going through my head. Forgive me, I am not a person who engages in Bible study so I don't know chapter or verse, or even the whole passage so I will paraphrase. The first is the passage where Jesus says to Ask and you shall receive; Seek and you shall find; Knock and the door shall be opened. The second is something about whatever you ask for, if you ask for it in God's name, it will be granted. Well I have been on my knees, begging and pleading with God to give us a child of our own; I have pounded on that door until my hands are bruised, and yet it remains locked. What do we do now? Where do we go from here?

I guess only time will tell. In the meantime, thank you to our friends and family for your condolences and prayers. They are at times difficult to read and hear, but please know that they are greatly appreciated. You are the greatest and we are truly lucky to have all of you.